The Name He Gives

 

"And If He has redeemed me, I am not my own. The measure of my worth is His love alone. He declares my standing and He declares my state. So I will know myself by the name He gave..."

- I am Not My Own - Keith & Kristyn Getty & Skye Peterson 

I found this picture of myself a few months ago. I immediately was drawn to it. I think it is because I am able to look at this little girl objectively. My childhood memories are fuzzy. There are a lot of things that my mind has subconsciously blocked out in order to insulate myself from the weight of painful memories. The process of finding this picture and staring at it curiously was very disorienting for me. However, God's providence led me to see it and really look at the little girl in this picture. 

I often like to joke that I was named after a dog. My parents had a dog named Joy before I was born. I personally feel that they didn't really name me after the dog, but something about knowing that there was a dog Joy before I was born somehow communicated to me that I really was just as expendable as the dog. I didn't matter. Little Joy didn't comprehend the true meaning of the name she was given. When I look at this picture, I see that self-contempt was this little girl's chosen method of survival in a broken world. I grieve that.

You know it feels kind of counterintuitive and paradoxical to say that this little girl's chosen method of survival was self-contempt. Self-contempt and survival ought not to be in the same sentence. But I do so appreciate her tenacity and fierceness to keep dreaming, wondering, loving, and being loved. It actually gives me hope when seeing the look of contentment, ease, and concentration on her face as she is quietly playing. Jesus was with her, even when she couldn't perceive it.   I love this picture because it communicates a moment of unassuming safety. 

She implicitly internalized that self-contempt was the way to safety. Yet the very fact that she wanted safety, goodness, and virtue is evidence of the image of God in her fighting hard for it. When I look at this picture my heart bursts with love for her. I want to wrap her in my arms and tell her she can stop fighting so hard. I want to tell her that the Lord has always fought for her, has always loved her, and has always advocated for her. She doesn't need the self-contempt to be safe or to feel safe. She has always been safe in Christ. The word "extra nos" is a term that means "outside ourselves".  It is a beautiful word that communicates that salvation has always been outside of us in Christ.  The word communicates to us that safety is freely given to us in Christ Jesus. Jesus was with that little girl even when she couldn't perceive it. Isn't that a wonder? Jesus is with us even when we can't perceive it.

Self-contempt might have been this little girl's lens of viewing her life. But remember the Lord named her Joy for a reason.

"And If He has redeemed me, I am not my own. The measure of my worth is His love alone. He declares my standing and He declares my state. So I will know myself by the name He gave..."

I have been very self -reflective the last few years. For those who have read my blogs and know me personally, I often share that introspection without the Gospel leads to despair. Yet, I believe that self-reflection in light of the Gospel is the healthy and Christ honoring way. I have been alive for 32 years and have experienced so much pain, but also so many moments of deep joy by the grace of God. The Lord named me Joy for a reason.

I am finally in a place where I feel safe enough to "know myself by the name He gave." not just cognitively, but experientially. I don't just know cognitively that I embody my name, but I know that I embody it because of the joy of being intimately acquainted with God's faithfulness. I truly have joy, even when I don't perceive it because my Father has given me Christ as my provision. I am able to mourn in the safety of joy because "the measure of my worth is His love alone".  I don't need self-contempt anymore because in "Him I live, and move, and have my being" (Acts 17:28). I have the rest of my life for God to guide me in the details of what that means for me, and I am so excited to see everything that He has planned.  "The bud may have a bitter taste, but sweet will be the flower" - William Cowper. I have tasted some bitter buds, but God has blossomed so many beautiful flowers that have the sweet taste of joy.

I know the joy of being able to receive the tangible safety of love and care from my friends, family, and church community. 

A few weeks ago, at church we sang the song "Great is Thy Faithfulness". I was so overcome with joy and gratitude that I had to stop and listen to the voices singing with conviction around me.  It was such a beautiful sound because I know that the people in my congregation have suffered greatly, yet they sang the lyrics like they believed it. I had the joy of fully basking in the sounds of faith. 

I have recently had the joy of learning that my ability to perceive beauty and depth now was forged from little Joy's fierceness and tenacity to fight to receive safety, virtue, goodness, and connection from the things around her. The picture I shared above is a picture of her strength, the strength that was forged out of the harsh circumstances surrounding her, and the same strength that I carry now.

How it serves me so well now! Because it is the strength that God has given me to be able to apprehend and comprehend the Gospel in such a deep and personal way. It is also the strength of the deep love that He has given me for others. It is that strength that enables me to see and value the people in my life so that they never have to feel like they don't matter. I am so grateful for it. 

Most importantly, I have the joy of "looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the hand of the throne of God" (Hebrews 12:2) 

I would like to add a caveat in saying that I don't always look to Jesus perfectly, but what will forever boggle my mind is that it was a joy for Christ to endure the cross for me and save me from my sins.

 His joy is my name and my life. 

"I believe that, fortunately, God has given us tools that allows us to be truly, holistically strong. Not the kind of strength that is sometimes weaponized to tell people to 'get over it' nor the kind of strength that causes us to deny reality or the needs of our body. Rather, we can develop the kind of strength rooted in love, not fear. The kind God lovingly offers and models for us: strength like water." 

Strong. Like Water - Aundi Kolber