Comfort For Those Who Struggle With Singleness

I will be 35 years old by the end of May. I have spent most of my adult life single. and have gone through both seasons of contentment and longing.  I have also had my share of dating experiences and heartbreak.  Prolonged singleness as a Christian is not easy to endure. I know I have personally felt lonely, inadequate, unattractive, and unsure of where my place was in the church. Yet throughout everything that I have faced in my singleness, God has always been faithful and present. Throughout the years He has reminded me of the below truths as a means of comfort and consolation. I hope they would be an encouragement to you as well. 

As A Christian, you belong to God and are adopted into His family

" What do you believe concerning the holy catholic (universal) Christian church? 

Answer: I believe that the Son of God, out of the whole human race, from the beginning of the world to its end, gathers, defends, and preserves for himself, by His Spirit and Word, in the unity of the truth faith, a church chosen to everlasting life. And I believe that I am and forever shall remain a living member of it." (Heidelberg Catechism - Q&A 54)

It can be very easy for me to feel isolated and alone, cut off from the rest of the body that have families of their own. However, reading Romans 8 reminds me of the eternal nature of being a child of God. Romans 8:15 says, "For you did not receive the Spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but have received the Spirit of adoption as one, by whom we cry 'Abba Father!' The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God" Because of what Christ has done for us, we have been given the privilege of being grafted into a covenant to enjoy fellowship with God and other believers forever. What an encouragement! No matter how isolated or lonely we may feel, this is an unwavering promise on which we can stand.  

Your value as a person is not based on your marital status but is based on Christ.  

I have had the tendency of measuring my spiritual value by my relationship status. I thought I was less valuable because I was still single. However, as I have learned more about Christ and His promises for me, I have realized that my spiritual value has really nothing to do with me or my marital status. Christ is the one who has defined my value and worth. Christ is what gives you value. Krysten Getty sings this truth beautifully "My worth is not in what I own, not in the strength of flesh and bone, but in the costly wounds of love, at the cross" Your value is planted on a foundation that is infinitely stronger than your marital status. It is planted on the foundation of the Gospel, in the very wounds that have purchased your freedom. Christ has given you eternal righteousness as a cloak.

Marriage is not the greatest fulfillment of the need for love and intimacy - Christ is.

I did not grow up with the best examples of what a godly marriage should look like.  I love the idea of a beautiful emotional intimacy in marriage where I am loved, known, and cherished for who I am. However, as lovely as the idea is, it pales in comparison to what I have in Christ.  Marriage is an imperfect type and shadow of a greater reality that is already present - the reality of being known and loved by God. He is indeed both the just and justifier of the ungodly. Christ was motivated by love for us and for His Father, to live and die in our place. Christ is motivated by love to make constant intercession for us. How can anything in this world compare to the comfort of being known and loved by the Triune God?  Every Lord's Day I get to meet with God through Word & Sacrament.  "See what kind of love the Father has given us, that we should be called children of God" - John 3:1. Jesus is always pre-eminent, even more than my own desire for marriage.

The Lord has given Himself as your inheritance. 

This is by far the most precious promise the Lord has given me and to all who believe in Him. God Himself is our inheritance whether married or single. He is more than enough, and we will always have Him. Psalm 16: 5-6 "The Lord is my portion and my cup. You hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; Indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance." God is the source of everything that is good and true - and we have access to Him through Christ! God the Father has crushed His only begotten Son so that He can become our inheritance. We were sinful and deserving of His wrath, yet Christ has reconciled us to God by his own life and blood.  Therefore, "Let us with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace in our time of need" - Hebrews 4:16.  He is our faithful, compassionate, strong, and merciful inheritance! 

We can sigh deeply with relief and joy because Christ is sufficient. We have no need to despair in our wavering or in our waiting. We can always rejoice in His faithfulness! We can always be secure in Christ's righteousness, intercession, life, death, and resurrection.  "Mercy has swallowed up all misery and goodness all misfortune" - John Calvin. 

My prayer for myself and also for others who struggle with the painful discontentment in singleness, is to know the peace that surpasses all understanding. I pray that these truths would be an anchor to our souls that soothes the ache and desire for marriage. Let us "turn our eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace"